Sometimes you just gotta put it out there.

Do you know why I have a great boyfriend? Let me tell you some of the things that he does that makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

1. After staying up for more than 24 hours, I break out in hives and he gets up, worried.. drives me to the hospital and sits with me for 3 more hours to make sure that I am okay. I didn't understand how concerned he was at the time.. but the level of care and compassion surpassed all else.

2. Again, I am sick... and I am swelling up everywhere, and he is ready to leave where he is at to sit with me in the ER. I choose not to go that night because I knew that he would be pulled away from what he was doing.. and I knew if I could get home, I could get everything I needed, and I had an epi-pen.

3. He worries that he will disappoint me with a birthday gift. He doesn't understand that anything that he would do would put a grin on my face.. because he remembered me and took the time to do something special. :D That's the part that matters.

4. He remembers the small things, like getting my favorite soda, and buying me a simple card that puts into words what he wants to say.

5. He can ask for help when he needs it.. but only when he needs it and doesn't take advantage of the fact that I am the type of person that would do anything for pretty much anyone.. He doesn't take advantage of that part of my heart.

6. If he perceives that he does something wrong, it really matters to him. I can see it in his heart, mind and soul. I can feel the pain that he carries and I want to take it away and remind him that I do not need perfection :D

7. He let's me pick the movies even if he is not that interested in them. This may not seem like a big thing, but really it is. Because I love movies so much.

8. He celebrates my nerdy side. That I like to do crafts, and stitch. I have been made fun of for those things, and I have actually stopped doing many things because of it. I have only recently picked them back up.

9. He remembers to hold my hand. Silly huh? But he remembers.

10. He makes cuddling in bed watching a browns game a happy time. He doesn't even realize that he makes the small things adventures. It's an adventure because I am creating a new memory of happiness with my boy.


Aren't I pretty lucky? How can I not be in love with a man like him? How can't I know that this is exactly what I want? Why can't that be crystal clear :D

I think it is should be, and I would love for you opinion on this matter...

You know what I hate most about me??

Let me tell you.. at the end of the day.. I hate PCOS

Let me explain to you what it is in case you wondered.


Polycystic ovary disease is a condition in which there are many small cysts in the ovaries, which can affect a woman's ability to get pregnant.


Symptoms
If you have polycystic ovary disease, you are likely to have some of the following symptoms:
Abnormal, irregular, or very light or infrequent menstrual periods
Absent periods, usually (but not always) after having one or more normal menstrual periods during puberty (secondary amenorrhea)
Acne that gets worse
Development of male sex characteristics (virilization), such as increased body hair, facial hair, a deepening of the voice, male-pattern baldness,
Diabetes
Increased hair growth; body hair may be in a male pattern
Infertility
Poor response to the hormone, insulin (insulin resistance), leading to a build-up of insulin in the blood
Weight gain, or obesity


It's not even the pregnancy part that makes me hate it so much. It's that the wrong fucking thing makes me feel like less of a person and women. I mean, who wants all the male fucking stupid shit wrong with them?

It's like saying, you can be as fucking girlie and cute as you want, but never forget you will always be fucked up and nothing can change that. There is no cure. HA HA.

And most people are lucky enough not to have to find out until they are in their 20/30's But not me.. Oh no.. I found out at 13... but the doctors didn't tell me all the fun I would have to look forward to. Nope.. They just put me on birth control ( which is the treatment, plus more stuff ) and I left wondering why at 13 I had to be on birth control!

As I got older, I just have given up caring about it. I mean, why bother right? If one is destined to be a fuck up for ones whole life, why not just ignore it and just have a fucked up body. Okay, maybe not the best choice at 18-22. But whatever.


In my 20's I followed the birth control thing, until I tried to conceive, for more reason than just PCOS I did not have a child and all was well in my world.

I just hate the fact that every morning I am reminded when I look in the mirror that I am not normal, that I am less than a real women, and I begin each morning reminding myself not to hate myself for the day.

So.. I am at a place I have to make a choice. I have been doing new research on the subject. You see, when I was first diagnosed and in my early 20's there was not much known about PCOS, and so.. I stopped looking and gave up most of the hope I ever had in my heart to be normal. Until recently, you see, my symptoms have been getting worse, and I have been really sad about it. I don't talk about it, cause it's a sore subject and I always cry about it. So, I just looked on the web and found new books and new studies and realized that.. 1.. If I don't take care of myself.. the complications are pretty bad. 2. I actually have a chance to reverse some of the stuff that is causing me to hate myself so much. 3. Taking control is kind of important.

But.. the choice is a big one. It means that I have to change a lot about how I eat and how I life my life. I kind of like some of the things I eat and I kind of like some of the things in my life.

So.. I am lost and confused.... What does a girl choose?

1. control and freedom of the hell that lives in her heart about not being a full women?
2. putting her head back in the sand, and pretend that she never saw anything of the research and books?

you think that the choice would be an easy one. Take control and let the feelings of hatred go. I am scared. End of discussion. I am scared to make the major changes in my life, even though I hate what PCOS does to me.

I don't know.. but right now.. it's been on my mind way too much. I need to make a choice soon and just get it over with.. Deep down I know the choice I have to make.. I hope that the price I am going to pay is worth it. I hope I hope I hope.

Rainbows and butterflies kind of hope.

( sorry for the language in this blog.. if it offends you I am sorry, but I feel as though my word choice sums up exactly how I wanted to say what I was saying. )

Much love to you all .. who you are that reads this.

It's all too much

That's how I feel right now in my life. It's all just too fucking much. There are so many things that make me happy. Like Ron and the fun times we share, and laughing with my friends, and just being quiet sometimes.

But then there is all the little stresses in my life that seem to be adding up to a big fat I can't take it ready to throw in the towel over my damn life. I can't seem to shake the feelings of overwhelmed from my body.

I wish that I had a magic wand so that I could just be peaceful.

This has been building for about a month.

I think I a day at the spa !!!

I wanna cry.

Thanks all.

A simple suprise that warmed my heart.

It was a simple act... a simple surprise.. a card. It was the words and meaning behind it that melted my heart again! Such simple things that remind me what a special thing I have growing with him.

In my past it was always the simplest acts that were forgotten about. It was those things that I cherish so much. A card, or having my favorite soda in the house, or my favorite dessert. Or cooking dinner.

It's holding my hand when I am scared. Or driving with me to the gas station cause of irrational fears at 3:30 am. Or laughing with me or being able to watch a really bad movie and laugh at it! It's letting me be me, and all the silly ways I have and knowing that holding me is the most important thing.

It's being able to dream, but realistic enough to know today is today..... But knowing the dreams are in both our hearts.. and every once in a while speak them out loud as the dreams.. afraid and unafraid.!

It's allowing me to call you out and push you in the uncomfy places in your life.. just enough.. It's about opening up and being honest about the important things too :D

It's all those wonderful things that make me smile, happy, warmed and completely at peace tonight, even if I am tired :D

Missing Ron is so hard

I miss him. I just do. I am loving the time I am spending with Michael, don't get me wrong. We have laughed, been silly, and just the crazy two kids we are when we are together.. However with all that being said.. I had an empty part in my heart.


When the laughter stopped, and there was a moment of silence, my thoughts raced of missing Ron. I would wonder what's he doing.. Hoping he was relaxing and having a nice day. I wondered if the dinner he planned on having was good. I would miss gazing into his eyes and sharing a funny silly joke between the two of us. I would miss just being able to curl up in his arms and feel warm, loved, and happy. I missed the simple act of holding his hand. I can close my eyes and see his warm eyes looking into mine, and the half grin/smirk on his face. Something was just missing today, and it was him.

I don't know how good I am always expressing it. I don't know if I miss you is enough.. Does it really say enough? Does Love you say enough? ... I want him and everyone else who may read this blog to know..

The boy melts me.. Completely melts my hearts.. He stole is somewhere along the way... Wasn't looking for it, made promises it wasn't going to happen, and had secretly longed for it.. and there is comes along.. my gentle man with his soft smile, warm eyes, gentle hugs, funny humor, honor of a warrior, and soft heart of an angel, logic that drives me nuts, and his laugh lights me up. I can't explain it.. it's just the way he laughs. Every time I see him, my breath still skips, and I am at peace again.

My heart can't belong to anyone else, I can't even think of anyone else.. I only have room for one love.

I have decided that yes, this makes me very vulnerable. more so than I thought I would be again.. But sometimes.. as my love says.. You just throw caution to the wind. He may not know this, but as much as he has.. so have I.. I have thrown out my rule book, my jaded thoughts, and allowed myself to dream and love again..

and .. I take it one day at a time.. Celebrating the love I feel..

So, I know you are out there, many hours away from me my dear.... Sleeping... and my thoughts are of you tonight.. You alone are in my heart.. Love you :D

I always think of Ron when I hear this song.. I heard it tonight when I was was with Michael. That and a big sign that said Eat Love Pray! ( the movie we just saw together) Really could any more signs show me where my heart was!!! Hell, I already knew ....

My best guy friend Michael

So.. I have been thinking Michael today a bit.. Not really Michael in general, but how we came to the place we are as one of my best friends in the world.

We have know each other 4 years this October. We met on accident. He was looking for someone else when he said hello on myspace ( ha, ha myspace) and I was angry at a guy I was trying to date ( which failed miserably by the way). I was in a mood, and said something funny, and he responded.. We ended up talking for hours that night. It was very natural

And we met shortly after and spent hours at a Denny's talking ! WTF is up with me and Denny's by the way. I need to buy stock or something in that company. And it was easy. And it was fun.

Circumstances made him live with me. And that was easy.. and we are like 2 kids in a candy store together. No is never an option really. We egg each other on.. we are super silly and I usually am on the floor laughing at some point when we are hanging out. We have stayed up too many hours together just laughing and doing stupid stuff.

Here is an example that always makes me laugh. A couple years ago right before a trip out of town we planned, the basement flooded. So.. rationally we should have stayed home and fixed the basement and figured it out. But it was the middle of the night and we had to turn the water off in the house, so we decide we are going to stay up all night and drive out of town cause that seemed like a better idea. We were calling hotels in the middle of the night to find one that would let us check in really early. We finally did, but that's the stupid things we do together..

I was not interested in dating during the last 4 years. You may wonder why. Well, I needed to heal. I needed to find out who Chrissy was again. And Michael helped me heal in many ways. He reminded me that men do not hit a women, no matter if they get really angry or not. When I first met Michael, if he accidentally would come to fast at me, or make a gesture in fun, I would end up in a ball.. thinking I was going to be hit. It took a while for that to go away, but now.. It never happens and I can honestly say.. Real men don't hit and I didn't deserve it. I carried around the thoughts that maybe I did. Michael reminded me an adventure was fun. He thought I was teaching him what an adventure was, but really I was re-teaching myself. He reminded me that you can laugh at the worst of it.. He made me feel like a girl again. Reminded that being a girl and girly is completely okay! Heels are fun, and wearing a skirt just for fun is okay. We would shop and like a girlfriend, he would sit with me for hours trying on clothes and helping me pick the ones that were cute. I had not had that in so long. I lived in a world with whatever was around was good enough, and that was that. I didn't care really.. no one wanted me, and I didn't deserve it. He reminded me! So many little wounds he took the time by just being my best friend he healed.


So, that sounds like love doesn't it? Knowing that someone has your back... that someone just will stand by you.. and in many ways.. it is love.. But I never was in love with him. He was always like family.. a familiar being that just belonged in my life.

My heart never welled and filled with joy for him. I never grinned ear to ear thinking of him. I never ever thought Michael was mine in that way. He wasn't. I didn't want him, and he didn't want me.... not like that. It just wasn't there.

But he was my assumed date everywhere we went and after a year and half we just stopped explaining it to the world. We showed up together, people didn't ask too many questions and life was just life. But between us, we knew. He was my best friend and family..

But he was not my love. He did not steal my breath away, He did not fill me with the security of a love, I did not give him the look of love ;)

So.... we both were unhappy wanting that love.. we talked and cried about it, thinking we would lose our friendship in the end. We had battles to keep it. At the end of the day, we looked at each other and said. Besties? Besties....

I won't let go of the fact that he are one of the most important people in each other's life; faults and all. If I ever get married again.. I think he will glow the brightest for me, cause he saw the daily struggling, the little girl who grew up and became a women again. He walked the hells of healing with me. And I never really thank him for his support, fatherly concern in many ways, silly talks, advice, worry, caring, love, and friendship.

He says things like You're the Chrissy, and I totally am! And thank you for helping me find her, heal her, and allow her to grow into a women who was ready for the love she found. Without you my dear friend,... I don't know where I would be today..

Our song is Gnarls Barkley- Crazy!!! Every single time I hear it on the radio.. I blast the song.. and call him and just let it play screaming the
words ! Here are the words:

I remember when, I rememberI remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

And when you're out there without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly

And I hope that you are
Having the time of your life
But think twice
That's my only advice

Come on now,
who do you Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control?

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart
To lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember
Is thinking, I want to be like them

Ever since I was little
Ever since I was little
It looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

But maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

Somehow that says everything with the laughter we share, and underneath an understanding of who we are as best friends....

Michael.. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the one who helped me heal. Thank you for being you.. faults and all ;)

And I hope each and every one of you have a Michael in your life. :D

I totally learned how to add a video!!!

Mom

I had a few different topics floating in my head tonight, and then finally the right one came..

My mom

In a few hours from now, I almost lost my mom 9 years ago. The reason why I almost lost her is not important. Those who know, know and those are the only people that really need to know.

I remember the night so clearly, as if it happened yesterday. I remember being asleep and my ex-husband waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me. I remember, making a frantic call to work explaining that I would not be coming in, and driving way to fast to her house. I remember that the ambulance was just about to pull out of the driveway as I got there. I didn't get to see her. I was in a panic.

It was just my dad, my brother and I. I only remember being with my little brother. Looking at him with sadness. He was so young. I didn't have the right words to express to him what I needed and wanted to say to him. Even though the hospital is not that far away, it seemed to take forever to get there. I just wanted to see my mom. I wanted to hold her, and love her and hug her.

I remember.. saying too many prayers, I remember begging with my father that she will be okay. I remember crying tears that came from my soul. I remember from the pit of my soul, just wanting my mom to be okay. I remember making tough calls, and feeling so very helpless.

I remember her waking up.. The sense of happiness and joy. It was celebratory. I remember sitting w/ her and watching her get better. I remember her coming home. I remember how happy I was she was still part of the family.

And 9 years later, I think of her and I love her so much. She is such a great lady. She has this laugh when that comes from her belly when she gets going that can light up a room. She loves so big. She would give the shirt of her back for her family and friends. She is really sensitive to life, and at times this can be frustrating it give you an new perspective on feelings. It allows you to stop and realize that feelings are okay and to celebrate them for all that they are. She is just an amazing person when all is said and done.


So while other think of those who lost their lives on 9/11.. I am thankful that one was saved. I am thankful every single day. She is on borrowed time... and I am thankful the Lord knew we still needed her.

Muting one self

So, today I went back to a bad habit and muted myself for a moment. It's something that I said I wouldn't do again. This time I muted myself because I thought it was the right thing to do. Not that it was right for me, but right for overall.

I was called to the table by Ron. He's like that. I don't think he thinks he like that, but he asked.. Why'd you do that. I gave a half ass reason, which was true kind of, but there was also another reason. He questioned that and I confessed the other reason. Okay, confess is the wrong word. It was more like I expanded my answer to be all inclusive of my reason.

In my head the reason felt valid. It felt right and it felt like it would just make everything easier. Until I started to talk it out loud with Ron. Then it seemed like I was being dishonest to myself, my feelings and the things I do want to share with the world. Then I felt silly and realized that I being muted will only lead to my own misery in the long term and whatever I want to say; just say and let the chips fall where they will.. knowing that I love and I am loved.

So.. I have been reminded of that lesson tonight. I am again thankful to have such a wonderful person and feel so loved and cherished by him. I am proud to call him my boyfriend, and was reminded again tonight by him that he is proud to have me as his girl :D

I smiley again on the inside.... Goofy and happy.

In other news, my plans changed for the weekend. After talking with Michael.. we decided we are doing a shopping trip instead of a trip to mountaineer, which was the original plan. It just doesn't make sense right now and we both want to look at clothes and I am interested in looking at things for the house. So, we decided that we are going to be going to Columbus to a outlet mall down there. I love outlet malls and malls in general. It's fun to look and dream and save my pennies for all the wonderful things that they carry :D

So, that is the new plan. Get up on Sunday and head south to Columbus.. shop.. sleep.. eat :D I think I just saw a movie like that LOL.. that was funny in my own head... hope you laughed too. ( the name of the movie is Eat, love, Pray..totally different )

Goodnight my friends, family and Love.. I honor you all in my heart.

Chrissy

p.s I am on blog fire ;)

Catty

cat·ty 1
play_w2("C0168200")
(kt)
adj. cat·ti·er, cat·ti·est
1. Subtly cruel or malicious; spiteful: a catty remark.


I have had this word floating in my head for the last week or so. Before I looked up the definition I thought to myself well... When I get together with my best friends, Danielle, Michael or Ally I can be catty, but after looking at the definition, I have decided that I am not catty; instead I can gossip. I gossip about people with my besties and family. I admit it. It's like a past time. I know.. probably not my best quality.. but it's really harmless. We laugh and giggle. Usually we even love the people that we gossip about. You know.. who's dating who.. what do you think about them, why is she so weird. Did you see that outfit.. I would never wear that. Those kinds of things. But catty is something totally different now that I have looked at the definition.

Why would someone want to be known as catty? If you have something cruel or spiteful to say, just why not come at me and say what you have to say? Why be underhanded about it? I mean.. I can take it. I can put my big girl pants on and probably say something back at you that will make you want to crawl under the rock that you came from and never come back out. I mean.. sure I will probably cry afterwards, but don't take that for weakness .. please understand that is being sensitive and not really ever wanting to hurt another person with my actions. It really hurts my heart when I think I have hurt another person. Even if I don't know them at all. I mean we are all humans and therefore in some way interconnected by God, or whatever form of belief you choose. So, when I hurt someone, I feel really badly cause I feel like in some way I am also hurting God. I know.. that is a far stretch for some, but it's one of those messed up belief things I carry. But put in a corner, I my claws will come out.. It's me being imperfect.


That being said. Catty sucks. Catty people suck. I have decided I will now always ignore catty people.. Cause if they are Catty, then they can not be my friend. True statement.

Wow, I feel better, that had been floating for much too long for my own good.

Simple thoughts from a complicated girl :D

An adventure can be so simple when you are doing it with someone you love. I had such a wonderful time doing such simple things tonight. Dinner, movie and a drive to find a drive in theater.

I feel like the luckiest girl alive. It's funny, so many times in my life I have felt unwanted, unloved, and just plain. Now, I feel alive and special. It even feels funny to type it out. But it's how I feel and all. It scares me to feel this way, and at times, I don't feel like I am worth it. I kick that voice away often. At times in my life it ruled my thoughts. Ruled my mind and I surcummed to it. It didn't get me anywhere.

So, I have come to the conclusion to just be happy and be one day at a time.

This weekend, I am catching up with my bestie, Michael and we are going to head out of town for a silly bestie trip! I am looking forward to gossiping like school girls, laughing at bad jokes, and goofing off. Michael did a great job on the bathroom this weekend and I am so happy about it! The bathroom looks great! It was like a present and he worked really hard. Ronny helped to, and that was really sweet of him. Michael was at his wits end.. and the help came in handy.

So... that' is an update on my life. Happy..

A gentle Happiness

Have you ever had a void that you just thought was never going to be filled and you decided that was how life was going to be? Have you ever when you were upset, scared or going through major changes in your life made promises that maybe were not the best promises, but you made them anyway?





Well, if you have said yes to either of these questions, then welcome to my world. Over the last 5 years, I have been trying to fill an empty void in my life by going on a trips; each one bigger than the last and filling my life with excitement to overcome the sadness that I felt about my heart feeling empty. It was a good life, from the outside. I ran and had freedom and travelled and didn't answer to anything or anyone. It was somewhat fun, but not always wanted I wanted or needed in my heart.





I wanted to live life like this on the outside cause I got burned in a marriage. I really wanted to be successful at that. Even looking back, it was my biggest failure of my life. Not having a successful marriage. I know the stats and I know that many marriages end in failure. But I never wanted to be one of them. I wanted to be better than that. Looking back, I know that I married too young. I was 25 and he was 21. Okay, that's not just too young. That is like kids!


Esp. him. He was still coming of age and figuring himself out. It didn't help that his job changed him. It made him mean and angry and upset at the world. And to put things simply and uncomplicated, that was taken out on me. You can probably piece that thought together, and you are probably right and it was ugly. So, I made these promises that I would never be that simple again. I was a simple with my ex-husband. I liked to be, and be simple. And do simple things and just be happy.





So, why do I feel this gentle happiness in my heart? Why am I allowing it? Why does it well at times? This is what the quiet part wanted to be stolen and not that it was been, I am thankful.. and insecure and happy, and scared, and...


this was written on 8/24/2010
I will finally post it today 9/11/2010

Nervous

OMG! I don't think I have ever been so nervous in my fucking life. I hid in his damn arm. I am such a freak!

Last night, Ron decided to have his friends whom he loves like family, over to meet me. I don't think that they got the real me, and I am sorry for that. I didn't talk. No, like I think I talked until the last 10 minutes when 2 people were left. Other than that, I don't think I really formed complete sentences, which made me feel bad. I wanted to do good, but I do believe I failed miserablly.

Maybe next time I will talk. I do have things to actaully say. I have funny stories, and quite a history. :D It's all true.

My own personal humor of the night came when I realized that because Ron told them to take it easy on me, that they were not going to ask me any personal questions. This was very humorous in my own head. Because every once in a while, when a coversation stopped, you could just feel someone wanting to ask me a personal questions. At times, I wanted to say. Go on.. ask away.. let's get this out of the way. Instead, I chuckled in my own head and cuddled up next to Ronnie. I spent most of my night very close to him. That was funny. I don't think I moved unless I had to.

I wish my friends could have seen me, they would have laughed and pointed and said. WTF, this is not Chris and would have made me laugh and be myself.

So...

That was my night last night. At least I have names and faces together. Except for those damn twins. They are offically both named Pat and Chris, so that allows me to screw up thier names and it will all be okay. :D

Update: I was informed that they were not told to not ask questions.. his friends just didn't. They were just trying to be nice. That's so nice. Why can't my friends be like that ;) My friend would have called me out in about 2 seconds. Oh, that's right cause you guys are mean fuckers ;) that's why I love ya so much. :D

Is is really that big of a deal..

I quit smoking at midnight. I quit for a number of reasons. One was for myself. I can just feel my lungs and heart taking the beating and I decided that this is not the " thing" that I want to kill me. Second, I am with and love a man very much who has ashthma ( spelling??), and I can listen to his lungs rattle away on most days. So, if I can look at him and tell him how much I cherish him, then should that not be actionable in some way? Shouldn't I be able through an action on my own to show that. So.. I put them down. I am happy that I put them down. Right this second I am frustrated cause withdrawn sucks badly! I mean really badly! It last 72 hours. Then it's just a habit change. I can do that.

I think I am going to start walking on my treadmill again. I like to walk and it builds my strength up in my feet. :) So, walk I will do. I was walking last year for a good while and then I just stopped, that was stupid of me.

I met a boy. He's so nice. I love him to pieces. It hit me like a lighting bolt. Wasn't really looking, and wasn't really ready for it. But there he was.. Here is the backstory in all it's glory

I had come home from a bad date one day. I blogged about it. So, I was on facebook. and I looked at a friends friend list. I asked her which ones were single. She told me Ron's. I looked at his profile and he made me laugh with a funny post. I told my friend.. "tell him to add me, I wanna talk to him ".. she comes back and says " no, he told me to tell you to add him" .. **sigh** I am thinking to myself. I will add him and talk to him. Now, I didn't ever think anything would come of this. I was going to talk to Ron, and we would be funny facebook friends.

But then, I liked him. He made me laugh. He was sweet and funny, and considerate. Not exactly what I had been used to getting. And I was drawn to him. Soon, a few days later, he had an excuse to call me.. since the story he wanted to tell me was soooooooo long that he could just not type it all out. Yeah! I think to myself, I get to hear his voice. He was so nervous telling me all about Europe. I am not sure to this day if I understood it all, but 3 hours later we were laughing and joking around very much at ease.

So, I couldn't sleep that night. I was all in a twitter about talking to a boy on the phone. What the hell was wrong with me. For the reals. This is not typical behavior of me. I have hung out and talked to boy the majority of my life. They are usually my best friends and protectors. What is this butterfly like a boy feeling.

Next day, I am at work, thinking about this boy named Ron who has no facebook profile picture.. and smiling. He asks me if I want to get coffee and dessert at Denny's. Yippie I think on the inside. I am going to meet this boy, but I play it super cool. ( not really) and talk to him through the night and tell him that I am nervous ( boy was I) and that I had to look super cute. Boy thank goodness I had brought stuff to work with me! So, I am trying to work, and get ready.

I remember walking up to the door in the rain. I had 2 choices, run to the door and possibly fall and look like an butthead, or walk and appear to be so cool she didn't care if her hair got ruined. I totally picked walked, cause looking cool was pretty important ;). I remember laying eyes on him for the first time. It made me more nervous!!!

and boy was I so nervous. Like freakishly nervous. And Ron is really logical, which is really endearing most times. That night he just calls my emotion out on the table. So, you are nervous let's talk about. And a part of me is like. WTF, are you kidding me, and the other part of me just thinks this is the cutest thing that has ever happened. So, we talk about why I am nervous and I think I said something, but really what is a girl suppose to say.. I am nervous cause I like you and totally want you to like me back!! No, I don't think I said that.

Then he must have been really lucky because there was a water leak on his side of the table and he had to sit next to me. :D It was hard for me to look into his eyes though. I liked that, when he was across from me.

We talked for a few hours, listened to music in his car and shared a hug and kiss goodnight.... The rest we can say is growing and building and am I loving every single minute of it. My heart is on fire and I am enjoying the feelings....

But not in a race to the finish line. I am enjoying every moment.. soaking it in.

So, in case you were wondering that is my side of the story...

I am very happy with Ron, and it's just fun to be his girlfriend and it's fun for him to be my boyfriend and just grow and learn about each other. I am not in a rush for anything other than that. :P I love him very much and want to be in his life for as long as he allows me, but I want that to be by our rules and do things by our decisions, and just be happy!!

So.. that is my blog for today. Ronnie, the Ron rocks. and Phantom Rocked!

Peace

I am sitting here at home alone, with a glass of wine getting ready for my week, and I feel peaceful. It's a nice feeling to have. Just the peacefulness of watching a dumb T.V show, drinking a glass of wine and getting ready for my next week at work. I am going to enjoy the peace of this night.

On a different note, I feel badly for the gentleman I went out with and I didn't think there was any connection and really didn't think that we had anything in common texted me after our meeting and I guess did not get my signals. He was really still into me. I felt really badly. I tried as nicely as I could to explain to him that we just didn't have anything. At the end, I just had to stop texting back. It made me feel badly, but I could not even envision us as friends.. so better to just stop texting all together. Too bad he was a cutie with no personality. ;)

Children..

Very recently a question was asked to me of why I don't have children. I have known this person quite a few years, and had realized that they never got the real answer. I am not sure why I decided to give this person the honest answer, but the timing and realization that no matter what I said I would be accepted guided me along. I get questions all the time, quizical stares, and wonderment on why I don't have children at 34 and I was married at one point in my life.

Well, it's not really because I am independent, or don't want to give up my freedom, or any of the reasons why I use. The answer is a simple one and I can count on my hand the people that know and probally still have fingers left. So, if you know, please gaurd my secret ;)

So, I have been thinking of the reason why ( which I won't be sharing, it's just a truth that I will keep as my own, please don't ask ). At the end of the day it's an irrational reason why I don't have children. I know this. I love children and the innocense that they bring. They are wonderful little beings that teach you so much, and love you in the darkest hours even when you don't think you deserve love. Believe me I get all, and I wish that I had the courage to overcome my irrational reason why I don't think I could do it.

Sometimes it makes me sad, like today. Mostly though I just keep on living life and don't think about. But I think I should change my answer to.... I don't have children, but if one day I felt as though there was enough love, support, and honor to get me through the fears and not crash, I might just be willing to try. Realistically, I don't think that person is out there. I don't think I have enough trust left to allow a person that close to the core to get me past that hurdle, but every once in a while.. I allow myself to dream.... every girl needs a dream right?

Today is that day.....

Me

So, I sit here at 3:36 am and I have been living the beginning of a new chapter in my life. It's an odd but familar chapter with different quirks and stumbles along the way. It's better than the beginning of 2 chapters ago and the last chapter wasn't all bad either.

But I have to collect my thoughts, make a plan for myself, and walk the life I want to walk. I am going to use this space to put my thoughts down on a computer screen. Do I care if the world see's them?I have been throwing this thought around my head over the last couple days that I have been muted in many parts of my life. Don't talk to this person at this party, act a certain way at this party, live up to these expectations, and make sure that you are smiling along the way.

I have come to realize, that muting who I am at a basic level is never going to fullfill my life. You may wonder.. well then you are you at a basic level then.

1. I am pretty free spirited. I am always up for an adventure, weekend trip or something as simple as getting lost driving around.

2. I have a very wild side and I do walk on the edge. I always think I have been this way. But I don't need to forcast it and those who get to share those wild times with me know exactly how fun they can be.

3. I am really outgoing and shy at the same time. I am shy because I want to be accepted on some level and my fear is that maybe I won't be. It's not like I have not been accepted in my life by my friends but it's just a unrational fear.

4. I can be really deep. It's a blessing and a curse. I really do care what you are talking about if you are my friend. I know people say that all the time, but it's something that I just walk with in life. If you are my friend, then when I ask how are you, or what you been up to? I don't want the glossy surface. I really want to hear the whole story and I want to walk down the journey with you

5. I gaurd my secret with a sword. I am sorry. It's the truth. I have since my divorce and I need to stop this. It's not very fun. Swirling around in my head. I have begun to let my secrets go, and I will see how far they lead, and even if I am willing to accept some of them as I go along my new chapter, but as i figure them out... maybe I will begin to share them LOL

6. Music is really important to me. I think it magic in some ways. ! Love songs can be about friends or spirtual stuff. They never carry the "normal" meaning to me. I don't know why, I can pick up on things that just mean something different to me.

So, I have goals that I want to accomplish and commitments that I will be making to myself.

1. I will lead a healthy life. That will be to start to work out again and quit smoking. Now when will be quitting. I want to say August 8th, the day after my family reunion. Is that too soon? I am pretty sure I am ready. But fear is tugging at my sleeve

2. I will not walk out of my friends life again. I do this sometimes, and it's kind of a crappy thing to do. SORRY! I am just thankful enough that I have friends that I can pick up the phone and it's like I never left. I have to wonder why I am so stupid to have let them go in the frist place. Maybe fear of how close I am to them?? that's a thought that I am rumbling around in my head. I am pretty sure I can dump just about anything on a few of them, and I would get a hug and chucle and we would continue walking along, but I dunno.. Trust is a big thing for me.

3. I am not going to rebound in a unhealthy way. It's just not worth it. If I am going to sleep with someone it's gotta be because they are either my friend or worth doing. Hope that makes sense. Dating pretty much sucks ass, and the thought of it with my personal head space swirling around would be a disaster. I would go on a date and be nice and open to the idea, and then next day I probally wouldn't even want to talk to them. Yeah.. that's completely fair to another human being right now.

4. This one is a hard one, I am not going to take care of those who can't do it for themselves. I am not going to say who this person is, but I am 34, and I have known them for 34 years. I have to be a indepedent adult and I can not allow the strings of things I can not fix determine the roads I travel. This one leaves me with a heavy heart and I am not sure how to exactly do this. But in my hearts of hearts it's the reason I am muted as a person. ** sigh **

For a first post, not so bad I suppose. I feel better putting it down. Maybe someone will get to know me better for reading my blog, who knows LOL