So.. I have been thinking Michael today a bit.. Not really Michael in general, but how we came to the place we are as one of my best friends in the world.
We have know each other 4 years this October. We met on accident. He was looking for someone else when he said hello on myspace ( ha, ha myspace) and I was angry at a guy I was trying to date ( which failed miserably by the way). I was in a mood, and said something funny, and he responded.. We ended up talking for hours that night. It was very natural
And we met shortly after and spent hours at a Denny's talking ! WTF is up with me and Denny's by the way. I need to buy stock or something in that company. And it was easy. And it was fun.
Circumstances made him live with me. And that was easy.. and we are like 2 kids in a candy store together. No is never an option really. We egg each other on.. we are super silly and I usually am on the floor laughing at some point when we are hanging out. We have stayed up too many hours together just laughing and doing stupid stuff.
Here is an example that always makes me laugh. A couple years ago right before a trip out of town we planned, the basement flooded. So.. rationally we should have stayed home and fixed the basement and figured it out. But it was the middle of the night and we had to turn the water off in the house, so we decide we are going to stay up all night and drive out of town cause that seemed like a better idea. We were calling hotels in the middle of the night to find one that would let us check in really early. We finally did, but that's the stupid things we do together..
I was not interested in dating during the last 4 years. You may wonder why. Well, I needed to heal. I needed to find out who Chrissy was again. And Michael helped me heal in many ways. He reminded me that men do not hit a women, no matter if they get really angry or not. When I first met Michael, if he accidentally would come to fast at me, or make a gesture in fun, I would end up in a ball.. thinking I was going to be hit. It took a while for that to go away, but now.. It never happens and I can honestly say.. Real men don't hit and I didn't deserve it. I carried around the thoughts that maybe I did. Michael reminded me an adventure was fun. He thought I was teaching him what an adventure was, but really I was re-teaching myself. He reminded me that you can laugh at the worst of it.. He made me feel like a girl again. Reminded that being a girl and girly is completely okay! Heels are fun, and wearing a skirt just for fun is okay. We would shop and like a girlfriend, he would sit with me for hours trying on clothes and helping me pick the ones that were cute. I had not had that in so long. I lived in a world with whatever was around was good enough, and that was that. I didn't care really.. no one wanted me, and I didn't deserve it. He reminded me! So many little wounds he took the time by just being my best friend he healed.
So, that sounds like love doesn't it? Knowing that someone has your back... that someone just will stand by you.. and in many ways.. it is love.. But I never was in love with him. He was always like family.. a familiar being that just belonged in my life.
My heart never welled and filled with joy for him. I never grinned ear to ear thinking of him. I never ever thought Michael was mine in that way. He wasn't. I didn't want him, and he didn't want me.... not like that. It just wasn't there.
But he was my assumed date everywhere we went and after a year and half we just stopped explaining it to the world. We showed up together, people didn't ask too many questions and life was just life. But between us, we knew. He was my best friend and family..
But he was not my love. He did not steal my breath away, He did not fill me with the security of a love, I did not give him the look of love ;)
So.... we both were unhappy wanting that love.. we talked and cried about it, thinking we would lose our friendship in the end. We had battles to keep it. At the end of the day, we looked at each other and said. Besties? Besties....
I won't let go of the fact that he are one of the most important people in each other's life; faults and all. If I ever get married again.. I think he will glow the brightest for me, cause he saw the daily struggling, the little girl who grew up and became a women again. He walked the hells of healing with me. And I never really thank him for his support, fatherly concern in many ways, silly talks, advice, worry, caring, love, and friendship.
He says things like You're the Chrissy, and I totally am! And thank you for helping me find her, heal her, and allow her to grow into a women who was ready for the love she found. Without you my dear friend,... I don't know where I would be today..
Our song is Gnarls Barkley- Crazy!!! Every single time I hear it on the radio.. I blast the song.. and call him and just let it play screaming the
words ! Here are the words:
I remember when, I rememberI remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space
And when you're out there without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly
And I hope that you are
Having the time of your life
But think twice
That's my only advice
Come on now,
who do you Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control?
Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me
My heroes had the heart
To lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember
Is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little
Ever since I was little
It looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done
But maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably
Somehow that says everything with the laughter we share, and underneath an understanding of who we are as best friends....
Michael.. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the one who helped me heal. Thank you for being you.. faults and all ;)
And I hope each and every one of you have a Michael in your life. :D
I totally learned how to add a video!!!
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