Children..

Very recently a question was asked to me of why I don't have children. I have known this person quite a few years, and had realized that they never got the real answer. I am not sure why I decided to give this person the honest answer, but the timing and realization that no matter what I said I would be accepted guided me along. I get questions all the time, quizical stares, and wonderment on why I don't have children at 34 and I was married at one point in my life.

Well, it's not really because I am independent, or don't want to give up my freedom, or any of the reasons why I use. The answer is a simple one and I can count on my hand the people that know and probally still have fingers left. So, if you know, please gaurd my secret ;)

So, I have been thinking of the reason why ( which I won't be sharing, it's just a truth that I will keep as my own, please don't ask ). At the end of the day it's an irrational reason why I don't have children. I know this. I love children and the innocense that they bring. They are wonderful little beings that teach you so much, and love you in the darkest hours even when you don't think you deserve love. Believe me I get all, and I wish that I had the courage to overcome my irrational reason why I don't think I could do it.

Sometimes it makes me sad, like today. Mostly though I just keep on living life and don't think about. But I think I should change my answer to.... I don't have children, but if one day I felt as though there was enough love, support, and honor to get me through the fears and not crash, I might just be willing to try. Realistically, I don't think that person is out there. I don't think I have enough trust left to allow a person that close to the core to get me past that hurdle, but every once in a while.. I allow myself to dream.... every girl needs a dream right?

Today is that day.....

Me

So, I sit here at 3:36 am and I have been living the beginning of a new chapter in my life. It's an odd but familar chapter with different quirks and stumbles along the way. It's better than the beginning of 2 chapters ago and the last chapter wasn't all bad either.

But I have to collect my thoughts, make a plan for myself, and walk the life I want to walk. I am going to use this space to put my thoughts down on a computer screen. Do I care if the world see's them?I have been throwing this thought around my head over the last couple days that I have been muted in many parts of my life. Don't talk to this person at this party, act a certain way at this party, live up to these expectations, and make sure that you are smiling along the way.

I have come to realize, that muting who I am at a basic level is never going to fullfill my life. You may wonder.. well then you are you at a basic level then.

1. I am pretty free spirited. I am always up for an adventure, weekend trip or something as simple as getting lost driving around.

2. I have a very wild side and I do walk on the edge. I always think I have been this way. But I don't need to forcast it and those who get to share those wild times with me know exactly how fun they can be.

3. I am really outgoing and shy at the same time. I am shy because I want to be accepted on some level and my fear is that maybe I won't be. It's not like I have not been accepted in my life by my friends but it's just a unrational fear.

4. I can be really deep. It's a blessing and a curse. I really do care what you are talking about if you are my friend. I know people say that all the time, but it's something that I just walk with in life. If you are my friend, then when I ask how are you, or what you been up to? I don't want the glossy surface. I really want to hear the whole story and I want to walk down the journey with you

5. I gaurd my secret with a sword. I am sorry. It's the truth. I have since my divorce and I need to stop this. It's not very fun. Swirling around in my head. I have begun to let my secrets go, and I will see how far they lead, and even if I am willing to accept some of them as I go along my new chapter, but as i figure them out... maybe I will begin to share them LOL

6. Music is really important to me. I think it magic in some ways. ! Love songs can be about friends or spirtual stuff. They never carry the "normal" meaning to me. I don't know why, I can pick up on things that just mean something different to me.

So, I have goals that I want to accomplish and commitments that I will be making to myself.

1. I will lead a healthy life. That will be to start to work out again and quit smoking. Now when will be quitting. I want to say August 8th, the day after my family reunion. Is that too soon? I am pretty sure I am ready. But fear is tugging at my sleeve

2. I will not walk out of my friends life again. I do this sometimes, and it's kind of a crappy thing to do. SORRY! I am just thankful enough that I have friends that I can pick up the phone and it's like I never left. I have to wonder why I am so stupid to have let them go in the frist place. Maybe fear of how close I am to them?? that's a thought that I am rumbling around in my head. I am pretty sure I can dump just about anything on a few of them, and I would get a hug and chucle and we would continue walking along, but I dunno.. Trust is a big thing for me.

3. I am not going to rebound in a unhealthy way. It's just not worth it. If I am going to sleep with someone it's gotta be because they are either my friend or worth doing. Hope that makes sense. Dating pretty much sucks ass, and the thought of it with my personal head space swirling around would be a disaster. I would go on a date and be nice and open to the idea, and then next day I probally wouldn't even want to talk to them. Yeah.. that's completely fair to another human being right now.

4. This one is a hard one, I am not going to take care of those who can't do it for themselves. I am not going to say who this person is, but I am 34, and I have known them for 34 years. I have to be a indepedent adult and I can not allow the strings of things I can not fix determine the roads I travel. This one leaves me with a heavy heart and I am not sure how to exactly do this. But in my hearts of hearts it's the reason I am muted as a person. ** sigh **

For a first post, not so bad I suppose. I feel better putting it down. Maybe someone will get to know me better for reading my blog, who knows LOL