Have you ever had a void that you just thought was never going to be filled and you decided that was how life was going to be? Have you ever when you were upset, scared or going through major changes in your life made promises that maybe were not the best promises, but you made them anyway?
Well, if you have said yes to either of these questions, then welcome to my world. Over the last 5 years, I have been trying to fill an empty void in my life by going on a trips; each one bigger than the last and filling my life with excitement to overcome the sadness that I felt about my heart feeling empty. It was a good life, from the outside. I ran and had freedom and travelled and didn't answer to anything or anyone. It was somewhat fun, but not always wanted I wanted or needed in my heart.
I wanted to live life like this on the outside cause I got burned in a marriage. I really wanted to be successful at that. Even looking back, it was my biggest failure of my life. Not having a successful marriage. I know the stats and I know that many marriages end in failure. But I never wanted to be one of them. I wanted to be better than that. Looking back, I know that I married too young. I was 25 and he was 21. Okay, that's not just too young. That is like kids!
Esp. him. He was still coming of age and figuring himself out. It didn't help that his job changed him. It made him mean and angry and upset at the world. And to put things simply and uncomplicated, that was taken out on me. You can probably piece that thought together, and you are probably right and it was ugly. So, I made these promises that I would never be that simple again. I was a simple with my ex-husband. I liked to be, and be simple. And do simple things and just be happy.
So, why do I feel this gentle happiness in my heart? Why am I allowing it? Why does it well at times? This is what the quiet part wanted to be stolen and not that it was been, I am thankful.. and insecure and happy, and scared, and...
this was written on 8/24/2010
I will finally post it today 9/11/2010
*sighs and shakes head* this sounds exactly like me. it's amazing how taking trips can cover up so much. and when i applied for that delta job all i kept being told was you're young and single, live it up and have fun. so why is that not enough..
ReplyDeleteHang in there darlin'! You are young and beautiful and everything will fall right into place like it should. I promise you that. You have wonderful plans to for Grad. school, and are going to kick ass and take numbers along the way! Plus, you need to visit me in cleveland again ;)
ReplyDeletethanks. i hope you're right lol. i'm glad you're happy tho :) i'll be in cleveland as soon as i can :P
ReplyDeleteYou are right. You are so young and have such an adventure of a life before you! Whatever kind your heart is crying for you will one day find!
ReplyDeleteIt's just how life works and all :D