Children..

Very recently a question was asked to me of why I don't have children. I have known this person quite a few years, and had realized that they never got the real answer. I am not sure why I decided to give this person the honest answer, but the timing and realization that no matter what I said I would be accepted guided me along. I get questions all the time, quizical stares, and wonderment on why I don't have children at 34 and I was married at one point in my life.

Well, it's not really because I am independent, or don't want to give up my freedom, or any of the reasons why I use. The answer is a simple one and I can count on my hand the people that know and probally still have fingers left. So, if you know, please gaurd my secret ;)

So, I have been thinking of the reason why ( which I won't be sharing, it's just a truth that I will keep as my own, please don't ask ). At the end of the day it's an irrational reason why I don't have children. I know this. I love children and the innocense that they bring. They are wonderful little beings that teach you so much, and love you in the darkest hours even when you don't think you deserve love. Believe me I get all, and I wish that I had the courage to overcome my irrational reason why I don't think I could do it.

Sometimes it makes me sad, like today. Mostly though I just keep on living life and don't think about. But I think I should change my answer to.... I don't have children, but if one day I felt as though there was enough love, support, and honor to get me through the fears and not crash, I might just be willing to try. Realistically, I don't think that person is out there. I don't think I have enough trust left to allow a person that close to the core to get me past that hurdle, but every once in a while.. I allow myself to dream.... every girl needs a dream right?

Today is that day.....