You know what I hate most about me??

Let me tell you.. at the end of the day.. I hate PCOS

Let me explain to you what it is in case you wondered.


Polycystic ovary disease is a condition in which there are many small cysts in the ovaries, which can affect a woman's ability to get pregnant.


Symptoms
If you have polycystic ovary disease, you are likely to have some of the following symptoms:
Abnormal, irregular, or very light or infrequent menstrual periods
Absent periods, usually (but not always) after having one or more normal menstrual periods during puberty (secondary amenorrhea)
Acne that gets worse
Development of male sex characteristics (virilization), such as increased body hair, facial hair, a deepening of the voice, male-pattern baldness,
Diabetes
Increased hair growth; body hair may be in a male pattern
Infertility
Poor response to the hormone, insulin (insulin resistance), leading to a build-up of insulin in the blood
Weight gain, or obesity


It's not even the pregnancy part that makes me hate it so much. It's that the wrong fucking thing makes me feel like less of a person and women. I mean, who wants all the male fucking stupid shit wrong with them?

It's like saying, you can be as fucking girlie and cute as you want, but never forget you will always be fucked up and nothing can change that. There is no cure. HA HA.

And most people are lucky enough not to have to find out until they are in their 20/30's But not me.. Oh no.. I found out at 13... but the doctors didn't tell me all the fun I would have to look forward to. Nope.. They just put me on birth control ( which is the treatment, plus more stuff ) and I left wondering why at 13 I had to be on birth control!

As I got older, I just have given up caring about it. I mean, why bother right? If one is destined to be a fuck up for ones whole life, why not just ignore it and just have a fucked up body. Okay, maybe not the best choice at 18-22. But whatever.


In my 20's I followed the birth control thing, until I tried to conceive, for more reason than just PCOS I did not have a child and all was well in my world.

I just hate the fact that every morning I am reminded when I look in the mirror that I am not normal, that I am less than a real women, and I begin each morning reminding myself not to hate myself for the day.

So.. I am at a place I have to make a choice. I have been doing new research on the subject. You see, when I was first diagnosed and in my early 20's there was not much known about PCOS, and so.. I stopped looking and gave up most of the hope I ever had in my heart to be normal. Until recently, you see, my symptoms have been getting worse, and I have been really sad about it. I don't talk about it, cause it's a sore subject and I always cry about it. So, I just looked on the web and found new books and new studies and realized that.. 1.. If I don't take care of myself.. the complications are pretty bad. 2. I actually have a chance to reverse some of the stuff that is causing me to hate myself so much. 3. Taking control is kind of important.

But.. the choice is a big one. It means that I have to change a lot about how I eat and how I life my life. I kind of like some of the things I eat and I kind of like some of the things in my life.

So.. I am lost and confused.... What does a girl choose?

1. control and freedom of the hell that lives in her heart about not being a full women?
2. putting her head back in the sand, and pretend that she never saw anything of the research and books?

you think that the choice would be an easy one. Take control and let the feelings of hatred go. I am scared. End of discussion. I am scared to make the major changes in my life, even though I hate what PCOS does to me.

I don't know.. but right now.. it's been on my mind way too much. I need to make a choice soon and just get it over with.. Deep down I know the choice I have to make.. I hope that the price I am going to pay is worth it. I hope I hope I hope.

Rainbows and butterflies kind of hope.

( sorry for the language in this blog.. if it offends you I am sorry, but I feel as though my word choice sums up exactly how I wanted to say what I was saying. )

Much love to you all .. who you are that reads this.