Have you ever had a void that you just thought was never going to be filled and you decided that was how life was going to be? Have you ever when you were upset, scared or going through major changes in your life made promises that maybe were not the best promises, but you made them anyway?
Well, if you have said yes to either of these questions, then welcome to my world. Over the last 5 years, I have been trying to fill an empty void in my life by going on a trips; each one bigger than the last and filling my life with excitement to overcome the sadness that I felt about my heart feeling empty. It was a good life, from the outside. I ran and had freedom and travelled and didn't answer to anything or anyone. It was somewhat fun, but not always wanted I wanted or needed in my heart.
I wanted to live life like this on the outside cause I got burned in a marriage. I really wanted to be successful at that. Even looking back, it was my biggest failure of my life. Not having a successful marriage. I know the stats and I know that many marriages end in failure. But I never wanted to be one of them. I wanted to be better than that. Looking back, I know that I married too young. I was 25 and he was 21. Okay, that's not just too young. That is like kids!
Esp. him. He was still coming of age and figuring himself out. It didn't help that his job changed him. It made him mean and angry and upset at the world. And to put things simply and uncomplicated, that was taken out on me. You can probably piece that thought together, and you are probably right and it was ugly. So, I made these promises that I would never be that simple again. I was a simple with my ex-husband. I liked to be, and be simple. And do simple things and just be happy.
So, why do I feel this gentle happiness in my heart? Why am I allowing it? Why does it well at times? This is what the quiet part wanted to be stolen and not that it was been, I am thankful.. and insecure and happy, and scared, and...
this was written on 8/24/2010
I will finally post it today 9/11/2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Nervous
OMG! I don't think I have ever been so nervous in my fucking life. I hid in his damn arm. I am such a freak!
Last night, Ron decided to have his friends whom he loves like family, over to meet me. I don't think that they got the real me, and I am sorry for that. I didn't talk. No, like I think I talked until the last 10 minutes when 2 people were left. Other than that, I don't think I really formed complete sentences, which made me feel bad. I wanted to do good, but I do believe I failed miserablly.
Maybe next time I will talk. I do have things to actaully say. I have funny stories, and quite a history. :D It's all true.
My own personal humor of the night came when I realized that because Ron told them to take it easy on me, that they were not going to ask me any personal questions. This was very humorous in my own head. Because every once in a while, when a coversation stopped, you could just feel someone wanting to ask me a personal questions. At times, I wanted to say. Go on.. ask away.. let's get this out of the way. Instead, I chuckled in my own head and cuddled up next to Ronnie. I spent most of my night very close to him. That was funny. I don't think I moved unless I had to.
I wish my friends could have seen me, they would have laughed and pointed and said. WTF, this is not Chris and would have made me laugh and be myself.
So...
That was my night last night. At least I have names and faces together. Except for those damn twins. They are offically both named Pat and Chris, so that allows me to screw up thier names and it will all be okay. :D
Update: I was informed that they were not told to not ask questions.. his friends just didn't. They were just trying to be nice. That's so nice. Why can't my friends be like that ;) My friend would have called me out in about 2 seconds. Oh, that's right cause you guys are mean fuckers ;) that's why I love ya so much. :D
Last night, Ron decided to have his friends whom he loves like family, over to meet me. I don't think that they got the real me, and I am sorry for that. I didn't talk. No, like I think I talked until the last 10 minutes when 2 people were left. Other than that, I don't think I really formed complete sentences, which made me feel bad. I wanted to do good, but I do believe I failed miserablly.
Maybe next time I will talk. I do have things to actaully say. I have funny stories, and quite a history. :D It's all true.
My own personal humor of the night came when I realized that because Ron told them to take it easy on me, that they were not going to ask me any personal questions. This was very humorous in my own head. Because every once in a while, when a coversation stopped, you could just feel someone wanting to ask me a personal questions. At times, I wanted to say. Go on.. ask away.. let's get this out of the way. Instead, I chuckled in my own head and cuddled up next to Ronnie. I spent most of my night very close to him. That was funny. I don't think I moved unless I had to.
I wish my friends could have seen me, they would have laughed and pointed and said. WTF, this is not Chris and would have made me laugh and be myself.
So...
That was my night last night. At least I have names and faces together. Except for those damn twins. They are offically both named Pat and Chris, so that allows me to screw up thier names and it will all be okay. :D
Update: I was informed that they were not told to not ask questions.. his friends just didn't. They were just trying to be nice. That's so nice. Why can't my friends be like that ;) My friend would have called me out in about 2 seconds. Oh, that's right cause you guys are mean fuckers ;) that's why I love ya so much. :D
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Is is really that big of a deal..
I quit smoking at midnight. I quit for a number of reasons. One was for myself. I can just feel my lungs and heart taking the beating and I decided that this is not the " thing" that I want to kill me. Second, I am with and love a man very much who has ashthma ( spelling??), and I can listen to his lungs rattle away on most days. So, if I can look at him and tell him how much I cherish him, then should that not be actionable in some way? Shouldn't I be able through an action on my own to show that. So.. I put them down. I am happy that I put them down. Right this second I am frustrated cause withdrawn sucks badly! I mean really badly! It last 72 hours. Then it's just a habit change. I can do that.
I think I am going to start walking on my treadmill again. I like to walk and it builds my strength up in my feet. :) So, walk I will do. I was walking last year for a good while and then I just stopped, that was stupid of me.
I met a boy. He's so nice. I love him to pieces. It hit me like a lighting bolt. Wasn't really looking, and wasn't really ready for it. But there he was.. Here is the backstory in all it's glory
I had come home from a bad date one day. I blogged about it. So, I was on facebook. and I looked at a friends friend list. I asked her which ones were single. She told me Ron's. I looked at his profile and he made me laugh with a funny post. I told my friend.. "tell him to add me, I wanna talk to him ".. she comes back and says " no, he told me to tell you to add him" .. **sigh** I am thinking to myself. I will add him and talk to him. Now, I didn't ever think anything would come of this. I was going to talk to Ron, and we would be funny facebook friends.
But then, I liked him. He made me laugh. He was sweet and funny, and considerate. Not exactly what I had been used to getting. And I was drawn to him. Soon, a few days later, he had an excuse to call me.. since the story he wanted to tell me was soooooooo long that he could just not type it all out. Yeah! I think to myself, I get to hear his voice. He was so nervous telling me all about Europe. I am not sure to this day if I understood it all, but 3 hours later we were laughing and joking around very much at ease.
So, I couldn't sleep that night. I was all in a twitter about talking to a boy on the phone. What the hell was wrong with me. For the reals. This is not typical behavior of me. I have hung out and talked to boy the majority of my life. They are usually my best friends and protectors. What is this butterfly like a boy feeling.
Next day, I am at work, thinking about this boy named Ron who has no facebook profile picture.. and smiling. He asks me if I want to get coffee and dessert at Denny's. Yippie I think on the inside. I am going to meet this boy, but I play it super cool. ( not really) and talk to him through the night and tell him that I am nervous ( boy was I) and that I had to look super cute. Boy thank goodness I had brought stuff to work with me! So, I am trying to work, and get ready.
I remember walking up to the door in the rain. I had 2 choices, run to the door and possibly fall and look like an butthead, or walk and appear to be so cool she didn't care if her hair got ruined. I totally picked walked, cause looking cool was pretty important ;). I remember laying eyes on him for the first time. It made me more nervous!!!
and boy was I so nervous. Like freakishly nervous. And Ron is really logical, which is really endearing most times. That night he just calls my emotion out on the table. So, you are nervous let's talk about. And a part of me is like. WTF, are you kidding me, and the other part of me just thinks this is the cutest thing that has ever happened. So, we talk about why I am nervous and I think I said something, but really what is a girl suppose to say.. I am nervous cause I like you and totally want you to like me back!! No, I don't think I said that.
Then he must have been really lucky because there was a water leak on his side of the table and he had to sit next to me. :D It was hard for me to look into his eyes though. I liked that, when he was across from me.
We talked for a few hours, listened to music in his car and shared a hug and kiss goodnight.... The rest we can say is growing and building and am I loving every single minute of it. My heart is on fire and I am enjoying the feelings....
But not in a race to the finish line. I am enjoying every moment.. soaking it in.
So, in case you were wondering that is my side of the story...
I am very happy with Ron, and it's just fun to be his girlfriend and it's fun for him to be my boyfriend and just grow and learn about each other. I am not in a rush for anything other than that. :P I love him very much and want to be in his life for as long as he allows me, but I want that to be by our rules and do things by our decisions, and just be happy!!
So.. that is my blog for today. Ronnie, the Ron rocks. and Phantom Rocked!
I think I am going to start walking on my treadmill again. I like to walk and it builds my strength up in my feet. :) So, walk I will do. I was walking last year for a good while and then I just stopped, that was stupid of me.
I met a boy. He's so nice. I love him to pieces. It hit me like a lighting bolt. Wasn't really looking, and wasn't really ready for it. But there he was.. Here is the backstory in all it's glory
I had come home from a bad date one day. I blogged about it. So, I was on facebook. and I looked at a friends friend list. I asked her which ones were single. She told me Ron's. I looked at his profile and he made me laugh with a funny post. I told my friend.. "tell him to add me, I wanna talk to him ".. she comes back and says " no, he told me to tell you to add him" .. **sigh** I am thinking to myself. I will add him and talk to him. Now, I didn't ever think anything would come of this. I was going to talk to Ron, and we would be funny facebook friends.
But then, I liked him. He made me laugh. He was sweet and funny, and considerate. Not exactly what I had been used to getting. And I was drawn to him. Soon, a few days later, he had an excuse to call me.. since the story he wanted to tell me was soooooooo long that he could just not type it all out. Yeah! I think to myself, I get to hear his voice. He was so nervous telling me all about Europe. I am not sure to this day if I understood it all, but 3 hours later we were laughing and joking around very much at ease.
So, I couldn't sleep that night. I was all in a twitter about talking to a boy on the phone. What the hell was wrong with me. For the reals. This is not typical behavior of me. I have hung out and talked to boy the majority of my life. They are usually my best friends and protectors. What is this butterfly like a boy feeling.
Next day, I am at work, thinking about this boy named Ron who has no facebook profile picture.. and smiling. He asks me if I want to get coffee and dessert at Denny's. Yippie I think on the inside. I am going to meet this boy, but I play it super cool. ( not really) and talk to him through the night and tell him that I am nervous ( boy was I) and that I had to look super cute. Boy thank goodness I had brought stuff to work with me! So, I am trying to work, and get ready.
I remember walking up to the door in the rain. I had 2 choices, run to the door and possibly fall and look like an butthead, or walk and appear to be so cool she didn't care if her hair got ruined. I totally picked walked, cause looking cool was pretty important ;). I remember laying eyes on him for the first time. It made me more nervous!!!
and boy was I so nervous. Like freakishly nervous. And Ron is really logical, which is really endearing most times. That night he just calls my emotion out on the table. So, you are nervous let's talk about. And a part of me is like. WTF, are you kidding me, and the other part of me just thinks this is the cutest thing that has ever happened. So, we talk about why I am nervous and I think I said something, but really what is a girl suppose to say.. I am nervous cause I like you and totally want you to like me back!! No, I don't think I said that.
Then he must have been really lucky because there was a water leak on his side of the table and he had to sit next to me. :D It was hard for me to look into his eyes though. I liked that, when he was across from me.
We talked for a few hours, listened to music in his car and shared a hug and kiss goodnight.... The rest we can say is growing and building and am I loving every single minute of it. My heart is on fire and I am enjoying the feelings....
But not in a race to the finish line. I am enjoying every moment.. soaking it in.
So, in case you were wondering that is my side of the story...
I am very happy with Ron, and it's just fun to be his girlfriend and it's fun for him to be my boyfriend and just grow and learn about each other. I am not in a rush for anything other than that. :P I love him very much and want to be in his life for as long as he allows me, but I want that to be by our rules and do things by our decisions, and just be happy!!
So.. that is my blog for today. Ronnie, the Ron rocks. and Phantom Rocked!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Peace
I am sitting here at home alone, with a glass of wine getting ready for my week, and I feel peaceful. It's a nice feeling to have. Just the peacefulness of watching a dumb T.V show, drinking a glass of wine and getting ready for my next week at work. I am going to enjoy the peace of this night.
On a different note, I feel badly for the gentleman I went out with and I didn't think there was any connection and really didn't think that we had anything in common texted me after our meeting and I guess did not get my signals. He was really still into me. I felt really badly. I tried as nicely as I could to explain to him that we just didn't have anything. At the end, I just had to stop texting back. It made me feel badly, but I could not even envision us as friends.. so better to just stop texting all together. Too bad he was a cutie with no personality. ;)
On a different note, I feel badly for the gentleman I went out with and I didn't think there was any connection and really didn't think that we had anything in common texted me after our meeting and I guess did not get my signals. He was really still into me. I felt really badly. I tried as nicely as I could to explain to him that we just didn't have anything. At the end, I just had to stop texting back. It made me feel badly, but I could not even envision us as friends.. so better to just stop texting all together. Too bad he was a cutie with no personality. ;)
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