Sometimes you just gotta put it out there.

Do you know why I have a great boyfriend? Let me tell you some of the things that he does that makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

1. After staying up for more than 24 hours, I break out in hives and he gets up, worried.. drives me to the hospital and sits with me for 3 more hours to make sure that I am okay. I didn't understand how concerned he was at the time.. but the level of care and compassion surpassed all else.

2. Again, I am sick... and I am swelling up everywhere, and he is ready to leave where he is at to sit with me in the ER. I choose not to go that night because I knew that he would be pulled away from what he was doing.. and I knew if I could get home, I could get everything I needed, and I had an epi-pen.

3. He worries that he will disappoint me with a birthday gift. He doesn't understand that anything that he would do would put a grin on my face.. because he remembered me and took the time to do something special. :D That's the part that matters.

4. He remembers the small things, like getting my favorite soda, and buying me a simple card that puts into words what he wants to say.

5. He can ask for help when he needs it.. but only when he needs it and doesn't take advantage of the fact that I am the type of person that would do anything for pretty much anyone.. He doesn't take advantage of that part of my heart.

6. If he perceives that he does something wrong, it really matters to him. I can see it in his heart, mind and soul. I can feel the pain that he carries and I want to take it away and remind him that I do not need perfection :D

7. He let's me pick the movies even if he is not that interested in them. This may not seem like a big thing, but really it is. Because I love movies so much.

8. He celebrates my nerdy side. That I like to do crafts, and stitch. I have been made fun of for those things, and I have actually stopped doing many things because of it. I have only recently picked them back up.

9. He remembers to hold my hand. Silly huh? But he remembers.

10. He makes cuddling in bed watching a browns game a happy time. He doesn't even realize that he makes the small things adventures. It's an adventure because I am creating a new memory of happiness with my boy.


Aren't I pretty lucky? How can I not be in love with a man like him? How can't I know that this is exactly what I want? Why can't that be crystal clear :D

I think it is should be, and I would love for you opinion on this matter...

You know what I hate most about me??

Let me tell you.. at the end of the day.. I hate PCOS

Let me explain to you what it is in case you wondered.


Polycystic ovary disease is a condition in which there are many small cysts in the ovaries, which can affect a woman's ability to get pregnant.


Symptoms
If you have polycystic ovary disease, you are likely to have some of the following symptoms:
Abnormal, irregular, or very light or infrequent menstrual periods
Absent periods, usually (but not always) after having one or more normal menstrual periods during puberty (secondary amenorrhea)
Acne that gets worse
Development of male sex characteristics (virilization), such as increased body hair, facial hair, a deepening of the voice, male-pattern baldness,
Diabetes
Increased hair growth; body hair may be in a male pattern
Infertility
Poor response to the hormone, insulin (insulin resistance), leading to a build-up of insulin in the blood
Weight gain, or obesity


It's not even the pregnancy part that makes me hate it so much. It's that the wrong fucking thing makes me feel like less of a person and women. I mean, who wants all the male fucking stupid shit wrong with them?

It's like saying, you can be as fucking girlie and cute as you want, but never forget you will always be fucked up and nothing can change that. There is no cure. HA HA.

And most people are lucky enough not to have to find out until they are in their 20/30's But not me.. Oh no.. I found out at 13... but the doctors didn't tell me all the fun I would have to look forward to. Nope.. They just put me on birth control ( which is the treatment, plus more stuff ) and I left wondering why at 13 I had to be on birth control!

As I got older, I just have given up caring about it. I mean, why bother right? If one is destined to be a fuck up for ones whole life, why not just ignore it and just have a fucked up body. Okay, maybe not the best choice at 18-22. But whatever.


In my 20's I followed the birth control thing, until I tried to conceive, for more reason than just PCOS I did not have a child and all was well in my world.

I just hate the fact that every morning I am reminded when I look in the mirror that I am not normal, that I am less than a real women, and I begin each morning reminding myself not to hate myself for the day.

So.. I am at a place I have to make a choice. I have been doing new research on the subject. You see, when I was first diagnosed and in my early 20's there was not much known about PCOS, and so.. I stopped looking and gave up most of the hope I ever had in my heart to be normal. Until recently, you see, my symptoms have been getting worse, and I have been really sad about it. I don't talk about it, cause it's a sore subject and I always cry about it. So, I just looked on the web and found new books and new studies and realized that.. 1.. If I don't take care of myself.. the complications are pretty bad. 2. I actually have a chance to reverse some of the stuff that is causing me to hate myself so much. 3. Taking control is kind of important.

But.. the choice is a big one. It means that I have to change a lot about how I eat and how I life my life. I kind of like some of the things I eat and I kind of like some of the things in my life.

So.. I am lost and confused.... What does a girl choose?

1. control and freedom of the hell that lives in her heart about not being a full women?
2. putting her head back in the sand, and pretend that she never saw anything of the research and books?

you think that the choice would be an easy one. Take control and let the feelings of hatred go. I am scared. End of discussion. I am scared to make the major changes in my life, even though I hate what PCOS does to me.

I don't know.. but right now.. it's been on my mind way too much. I need to make a choice soon and just get it over with.. Deep down I know the choice I have to make.. I hope that the price I am going to pay is worth it. I hope I hope I hope.

Rainbows and butterflies kind of hope.

( sorry for the language in this blog.. if it offends you I am sorry, but I feel as though my word choice sums up exactly how I wanted to say what I was saying. )

Much love to you all .. who you are that reads this.

It's all too much

That's how I feel right now in my life. It's all just too fucking much. There are so many things that make me happy. Like Ron and the fun times we share, and laughing with my friends, and just being quiet sometimes.

But then there is all the little stresses in my life that seem to be adding up to a big fat I can't take it ready to throw in the towel over my damn life. I can't seem to shake the feelings of overwhelmed from my body.

I wish that I had a magic wand so that I could just be peaceful.

This has been building for about a month.

I think I a day at the spa !!!

I wanna cry.

Thanks all.