Do you know why I have a great boyfriend? Let me tell you some of the things that he does that makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
1. After staying up for more than 24 hours, I break out in hives and he gets up, worried.. drives me to the hospital and sits with me for 3 more hours to make sure that I am okay. I didn't understand how concerned he was at the time.. but the level of care and compassion surpassed all else.
2. Again, I am sick... and I am swelling up everywhere, and he is ready to leave where he is at to sit with me in the ER. I choose not to go that night because I knew that he would be pulled away from what he was doing.. and I knew if I could get home, I could get everything I needed, and I had an epi-pen.
3. He worries that he will disappoint me with a birthday gift. He doesn't understand that anything that he would do would put a grin on my face.. because he remembered me and took the time to do something special. :D That's the part that matters.
4. He remembers the small things, like getting my favorite soda, and buying me a simple card that puts into words what he wants to say.
5. He can ask for help when he needs it.. but only when he needs it and doesn't take advantage of the fact that I am the type of person that would do anything for pretty much anyone.. He doesn't take advantage of that part of my heart.
6. If he perceives that he does something wrong, it really matters to him. I can see it in his heart, mind and soul. I can feel the pain that he carries and I want to take it away and remind him that I do not need perfection :D
7. He let's me pick the movies even if he is not that interested in them. This may not seem like a big thing, but really it is. Because I love movies so much.
8. He celebrates my nerdy side. That I like to do crafts, and stitch. I have been made fun of for those things, and I have actually stopped doing many things because of it. I have only recently picked them back up.
9. He remembers to hold my hand. Silly huh? But he remembers.
10. He makes cuddling in bed watching a browns game a happy time. He doesn't even realize that he makes the small things adventures. It's an adventure because I am creating a new memory of happiness with my boy.
Aren't I pretty lucky? How can I not be in love with a man like him? How can't I know that this is exactly what I want? Why can't that be crystal clear :D
I think it is should be, and I would love for you opinion on this matter...
Friday, October 8, 2010
You know what I hate most about me??
Let me tell you.. at the end of the day.. I hate PCOS
Let me explain to you what it is in case you wondered.
Polycystic ovary disease is a condition in which there are many small cysts in the ovaries, which can affect a woman's ability to get pregnant.
Symptoms
If you have polycystic ovary disease, you are likely to have some of the following symptoms:
Abnormal, irregular, or very light or infrequent menstrual periods
Absent periods, usually (but not always) after having one or more normal menstrual periods during puberty (secondary amenorrhea)
Acne that gets worse
Development of male sex characteristics (virilization), such as increased body hair, facial hair, a deepening of the voice, male-pattern baldness,
Diabetes
Increased hair growth; body hair may be in a male pattern
Infertility
Poor response to the hormone, insulin (insulin resistance), leading to a build-up of insulin in the blood
Weight gain, or obesity
It's not even the pregnancy part that makes me hate it so much. It's that the wrong fucking thing makes me feel like less of a person and women. I mean, who wants all the male fucking stupid shit wrong with them?
It's like saying, you can be as fucking girlie and cute as you want, but never forget you will always be fucked up and nothing can change that. There is no cure. HA HA.
And most people are lucky enough not to have to find out until they are in their 20/30's But not me.. Oh no.. I found out at 13... but the doctors didn't tell me all the fun I would have to look forward to. Nope.. They just put me on birth control ( which is the treatment, plus more stuff ) and I left wondering why at 13 I had to be on birth control!
As I got older, I just have given up caring about it. I mean, why bother right? If one is destined to be a fuck up for ones whole life, why not just ignore it and just have a fucked up body. Okay, maybe not the best choice at 18-22. But whatever.
In my 20's I followed the birth control thing, until I tried to conceive, for more reason than just PCOS I did not have a child and all was well in my world.
I just hate the fact that every morning I am reminded when I look in the mirror that I am not normal, that I am less than a real women, and I begin each morning reminding myself not to hate myself for the day.
So.. I am at a place I have to make a choice. I have been doing new research on the subject. You see, when I was first diagnosed and in my early 20's there was not much known about PCOS, and so.. I stopped looking and gave up most of the hope I ever had in my heart to be normal. Until recently, you see, my symptoms have been getting worse, and I have been really sad about it. I don't talk about it, cause it's a sore subject and I always cry about it. So, I just looked on the web and found new books and new studies and realized that.. 1.. If I don't take care of myself.. the complications are pretty bad. 2. I actually have a chance to reverse some of the stuff that is causing me to hate myself so much. 3. Taking control is kind of important.
But.. the choice is a big one. It means that I have to change a lot about how I eat and how I life my life. I kind of like some of the things I eat and I kind of like some of the things in my life.
So.. I am lost and confused.... What does a girl choose?
1. control and freedom of the hell that lives in her heart about not being a full women?
2. putting her head back in the sand, and pretend that she never saw anything of the research and books?
you think that the choice would be an easy one. Take control and let the feelings of hatred go. I am scared. End of discussion. I am scared to make the major changes in my life, even though I hate what PCOS does to me.
I don't know.. but right now.. it's been on my mind way too much. I need to make a choice soon and just get it over with.. Deep down I know the choice I have to make.. I hope that the price I am going to pay is worth it. I hope I hope I hope.
Rainbows and butterflies kind of hope.
( sorry for the language in this blog.. if it offends you I am sorry, but I feel as though my word choice sums up exactly how I wanted to say what I was saying. )
Much love to you all .. who you are that reads this.
Let me explain to you what it is in case you wondered.
Polycystic ovary disease is a condition in which there are many small cysts in the ovaries, which can affect a woman's ability to get pregnant.
Symptoms
If you have polycystic ovary disease, you are likely to have some of the following symptoms:
Abnormal, irregular, or very light or infrequent menstrual periods
Absent periods, usually (but not always) after having one or more normal menstrual periods during puberty (secondary amenorrhea)
Acne that gets worse
Development of male sex characteristics (virilization), such as increased body hair, facial hair, a deepening of the voice, male-pattern baldness,
Diabetes
Increased hair growth; body hair may be in a male pattern
Infertility
Poor response to the hormone, insulin (insulin resistance), leading to a build-up of insulin in the blood
Weight gain, or obesity
It's not even the pregnancy part that makes me hate it so much. It's that the wrong fucking thing makes me feel like less of a person and women. I mean, who wants all the male fucking stupid shit wrong with them?
It's like saying, you can be as fucking girlie and cute as you want, but never forget you will always be fucked up and nothing can change that. There is no cure. HA HA.
And most people are lucky enough not to have to find out until they are in their 20/30's But not me.. Oh no.. I found out at 13... but the doctors didn't tell me all the fun I would have to look forward to. Nope.. They just put me on birth control ( which is the treatment, plus more stuff ) and I left wondering why at 13 I had to be on birth control!
As I got older, I just have given up caring about it. I mean, why bother right? If one is destined to be a fuck up for ones whole life, why not just ignore it and just have a fucked up body. Okay, maybe not the best choice at 18-22. But whatever.
In my 20's I followed the birth control thing, until I tried to conceive, for more reason than just PCOS I did not have a child and all was well in my world.
I just hate the fact that every morning I am reminded when I look in the mirror that I am not normal, that I am less than a real women, and I begin each morning reminding myself not to hate myself for the day.
So.. I am at a place I have to make a choice. I have been doing new research on the subject. You see, when I was first diagnosed and in my early 20's there was not much known about PCOS, and so.. I stopped looking and gave up most of the hope I ever had in my heart to be normal. Until recently, you see, my symptoms have been getting worse, and I have been really sad about it. I don't talk about it, cause it's a sore subject and I always cry about it. So, I just looked on the web and found new books and new studies and realized that.. 1.. If I don't take care of myself.. the complications are pretty bad. 2. I actually have a chance to reverse some of the stuff that is causing me to hate myself so much. 3. Taking control is kind of important.
But.. the choice is a big one. It means that I have to change a lot about how I eat and how I life my life. I kind of like some of the things I eat and I kind of like some of the things in my life.
So.. I am lost and confused.... What does a girl choose?
1. control and freedom of the hell that lives in her heart about not being a full women?
2. putting her head back in the sand, and pretend that she never saw anything of the research and books?
you think that the choice would be an easy one. Take control and let the feelings of hatred go. I am scared. End of discussion. I am scared to make the major changes in my life, even though I hate what PCOS does to me.
I don't know.. but right now.. it's been on my mind way too much. I need to make a choice soon and just get it over with.. Deep down I know the choice I have to make.. I hope that the price I am going to pay is worth it. I hope I hope I hope.
Rainbows and butterflies kind of hope.
( sorry for the language in this blog.. if it offends you I am sorry, but I feel as though my word choice sums up exactly how I wanted to say what I was saying. )
Much love to you all .. who you are that reads this.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
It's all too much
That's how I feel right now in my life. It's all just too fucking much. There are so many things that make me happy. Like Ron and the fun times we share, and laughing with my friends, and just being quiet sometimes.
But then there is all the little stresses in my life that seem to be adding up to a big fat I can't take it ready to throw in the towel over my damn life. I can't seem to shake the feelings of overwhelmed from my body.
I wish that I had a magic wand so that I could just be peaceful.
This has been building for about a month.
I think I a day at the spa !!!
I wanna cry.
Thanks all.
But then there is all the little stresses in my life that seem to be adding up to a big fat I can't take it ready to throw in the towel over my damn life. I can't seem to shake the feelings of overwhelmed from my body.
I wish that I had a magic wand so that I could just be peaceful.
This has been building for about a month.
I think I a day at the spa !!!
I wanna cry.
Thanks all.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
A simple suprise that warmed my heart.
It was a simple act... a simple surprise.. a card. It was the words and meaning behind it that melted my heart again! Such simple things that remind me what a special thing I have growing with him.
In my past it was always the simplest acts that were forgotten about. It was those things that I cherish so much. A card, or having my favorite soda in the house, or my favorite dessert. Or cooking dinner.
It's holding my hand when I am scared. Or driving with me to the gas station cause of irrational fears at 3:30 am. Or laughing with me or being able to watch a really bad movie and laugh at it! It's letting me be me, and all the silly ways I have and knowing that holding me is the most important thing.
It's being able to dream, but realistic enough to know today is today..... But knowing the dreams are in both our hearts.. and every once in a while speak them out loud as the dreams.. afraid and unafraid.!
It's allowing me to call you out and push you in the uncomfy places in your life.. just enough.. It's about opening up and being honest about the important things too :D
It's all those wonderful things that make me smile, happy, warmed and completely at peace tonight, even if I am tired :D
In my past it was always the simplest acts that were forgotten about. It was those things that I cherish so much. A card, or having my favorite soda in the house, or my favorite dessert. Or cooking dinner.
It's holding my hand when I am scared. Or driving with me to the gas station cause of irrational fears at 3:30 am. Or laughing with me or being able to watch a really bad movie and laugh at it! It's letting me be me, and all the silly ways I have and knowing that holding me is the most important thing.
It's being able to dream, but realistic enough to know today is today..... But knowing the dreams are in both our hearts.. and every once in a while speak them out loud as the dreams.. afraid and unafraid.!
It's allowing me to call you out and push you in the uncomfy places in your life.. just enough.. It's about opening up and being honest about the important things too :D
It's all those wonderful things that make me smile, happy, warmed and completely at peace tonight, even if I am tired :D
Monday, September 13, 2010
Missing Ron is so hard
I miss him. I just do. I am loving the time I am spending with Michael, don't get me wrong. We have laughed, been silly, and just the crazy two kids we are when we are together.. However with all that being said.. I had an empty part in my heart.
When the laughter stopped, and there was a moment of silence, my thoughts raced of missing Ron. I would wonder what's he doing.. Hoping he was relaxing and having a nice day. I wondered if the dinner he planned on having was good. I would miss gazing into his eyes and sharing a funny silly joke between the two of us. I would miss just being able to curl up in his arms and feel warm, loved, and happy. I missed the simple act of holding his hand. I can close my eyes and see his warm eyes looking into mine, and the half grin/smirk on his face. Something was just missing today, and it was him.
I don't know how good I am always expressing it. I don't know if I miss you is enough.. Does it really say enough? Does Love you say enough? ... I want him and everyone else who may read this blog to know..
The boy melts me.. Completely melts my hearts.. He stole is somewhere along the way... Wasn't looking for it, made promises it wasn't going to happen, and had secretly longed for it.. and there is comes along.. my gentle man with his soft smile, warm eyes, gentle hugs, funny humor, honor of a warrior, and soft heart of an angel, logic that drives me nuts, and his laugh lights me up. I can't explain it.. it's just the way he laughs. Every time I see him, my breath still skips, and I am at peace again.
My heart can't belong to anyone else, I can't even think of anyone else.. I only have room for one love.
I have decided that yes, this makes me very vulnerable. more so than I thought I would be again.. But sometimes.. as my love says.. You just throw caution to the wind. He may not know this, but as much as he has.. so have I.. I have thrown out my rule book, my jaded thoughts, and allowed myself to dream and love again..
and .. I take it one day at a time.. Celebrating the love I feel..
So, I know you are out there, many hours away from me my dear.... Sleeping... and my thoughts are of you tonight.. You alone are in my heart.. Love you :D
When the laughter stopped, and there was a moment of silence, my thoughts raced of missing Ron. I would wonder what's he doing.. Hoping he was relaxing and having a nice day. I wondered if the dinner he planned on having was good. I would miss gazing into his eyes and sharing a funny silly joke between the two of us. I would miss just being able to curl up in his arms and feel warm, loved, and happy. I missed the simple act of holding his hand. I can close my eyes and see his warm eyes looking into mine, and the half grin/smirk on his face. Something was just missing today, and it was him.
I don't know how good I am always expressing it. I don't know if I miss you is enough.. Does it really say enough? Does Love you say enough? ... I want him and everyone else who may read this blog to know..
The boy melts me.. Completely melts my hearts.. He stole is somewhere along the way... Wasn't looking for it, made promises it wasn't going to happen, and had secretly longed for it.. and there is comes along.. my gentle man with his soft smile, warm eyes, gentle hugs, funny humor, honor of a warrior, and soft heart of an angel, logic that drives me nuts, and his laugh lights me up. I can't explain it.. it's just the way he laughs. Every time I see him, my breath still skips, and I am at peace again.
My heart can't belong to anyone else, I can't even think of anyone else.. I only have room for one love.
I have decided that yes, this makes me very vulnerable. more so than I thought I would be again.. But sometimes.. as my love says.. You just throw caution to the wind. He may not know this, but as much as he has.. so have I.. I have thrown out my rule book, my jaded thoughts, and allowed myself to dream and love again..
and .. I take it one day at a time.. Celebrating the love I feel..
So, I know you are out there, many hours away from me my dear.... Sleeping... and my thoughts are of you tonight.. You alone are in my heart.. Love you :D
I always think of Ron when I hear this song.. I heard it tonight when I was was with Michael. That and a big sign that said Eat Love Pray! ( the movie we just saw together) Really could any more signs show me where my heart was!!! Hell, I already knew ....
Sunday, September 12, 2010
My best guy friend Michael
So.. I have been thinking Michael today a bit.. Not really Michael in general, but how we came to the place we are as one of my best friends in the world.
We have know each other 4 years this October. We met on accident. He was looking for someone else when he said hello on myspace ( ha, ha myspace) and I was angry at a guy I was trying to date ( which failed miserably by the way). I was in a mood, and said something funny, and he responded.. We ended up talking for hours that night. It was very natural
And we met shortly after and spent hours at a Denny's talking ! WTF is up with me and Denny's by the way. I need to buy stock or something in that company. And it was easy. And it was fun.
Circumstances made him live with me. And that was easy.. and we are like 2 kids in a candy store together. No is never an option really. We egg each other on.. we are super silly and I usually am on the floor laughing at some point when we are hanging out. We have stayed up too many hours together just laughing and doing stupid stuff.
Here is an example that always makes me laugh. A couple years ago right before a trip out of town we planned, the basement flooded. So.. rationally we should have stayed home and fixed the basement and figured it out. But it was the middle of the night and we had to turn the water off in the house, so we decide we are going to stay up all night and drive out of town cause that seemed like a better idea. We were calling hotels in the middle of the night to find one that would let us check in really early. We finally did, but that's the stupid things we do together..
I was not interested in dating during the last 4 years. You may wonder why. Well, I needed to heal. I needed to find out who Chrissy was again. And Michael helped me heal in many ways. He reminded me that men do not hit a women, no matter if they get really angry or not. When I first met Michael, if he accidentally would come to fast at me, or make a gesture in fun, I would end up in a ball.. thinking I was going to be hit. It took a while for that to go away, but now.. It never happens and I can honestly say.. Real men don't hit and I didn't deserve it. I carried around the thoughts that maybe I did. Michael reminded me an adventure was fun. He thought I was teaching him what an adventure was, but really I was re-teaching myself. He reminded me that you can laugh at the worst of it.. He made me feel like a girl again. Reminded that being a girl and girly is completely okay! Heels are fun, and wearing a skirt just for fun is okay. We would shop and like a girlfriend, he would sit with me for hours trying on clothes and helping me pick the ones that were cute. I had not had that in so long. I lived in a world with whatever was around was good enough, and that was that. I didn't care really.. no one wanted me, and I didn't deserve it. He reminded me! So many little wounds he took the time by just being my best friend he healed.
So, that sounds like love doesn't it? Knowing that someone has your back... that someone just will stand by you.. and in many ways.. it is love.. But I never was in love with him. He was always like family.. a familiar being that just belonged in my life.
My heart never welled and filled with joy for him. I never grinned ear to ear thinking of him. I never ever thought Michael was mine in that way. He wasn't. I didn't want him, and he didn't want me.... not like that. It just wasn't there.
But he was my assumed date everywhere we went and after a year and half we just stopped explaining it to the world. We showed up together, people didn't ask too many questions and life was just life. But between us, we knew. He was my best friend and family..
But he was not my love. He did not steal my breath away, He did not fill me with the security of a love, I did not give him the look of love ;)
So.... we both were unhappy wanting that love.. we talked and cried about it, thinking we would lose our friendship in the end. We had battles to keep it. At the end of the day, we looked at each other and said. Besties? Besties....
I won't let go of the fact that he are one of the most important people in each other's life; faults and all. If I ever get married again.. I think he will glow the brightest for me, cause he saw the daily struggling, the little girl who grew up and became a women again. He walked the hells of healing with me. And I never really thank him for his support, fatherly concern in many ways, silly talks, advice, worry, caring, love, and friendship.
He says things like You're the Chrissy, and I totally am! And thank you for helping me find her, heal her, and allow her to grow into a women who was ready for the love she found. Without you my dear friend,... I don't know where I would be today..
Our song is Gnarls Barkley- Crazy!!! Every single time I hear it on the radio.. I blast the song.. and call him and just let it play screaming the
words ! Here are the words:
I remember when, I rememberI remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space
And when you're out there without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly
And I hope that you are
Having the time of your life
But think twice
That's my only advice
Come on now,
who do you Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control?
Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me
My heroes had the heart
To lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember
Is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little
Ever since I was little
It looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done
But maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably
Somehow that says everything with the laughter we share, and underneath an understanding of who we are as best friends....
Michael.. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the one who helped me heal. Thank you for being you.. faults and all ;)
And I hope each and every one of you have a Michael in your life. :D
I totally learned how to add a video!!!
We have know each other 4 years this October. We met on accident. He was looking for someone else when he said hello on myspace ( ha, ha myspace) and I was angry at a guy I was trying to date ( which failed miserably by the way). I was in a mood, and said something funny, and he responded.. We ended up talking for hours that night. It was very natural
And we met shortly after and spent hours at a Denny's talking ! WTF is up with me and Denny's by the way. I need to buy stock or something in that company. And it was easy. And it was fun.
Circumstances made him live with me. And that was easy.. and we are like 2 kids in a candy store together. No is never an option really. We egg each other on.. we are super silly and I usually am on the floor laughing at some point when we are hanging out. We have stayed up too many hours together just laughing and doing stupid stuff.
Here is an example that always makes me laugh. A couple years ago right before a trip out of town we planned, the basement flooded. So.. rationally we should have stayed home and fixed the basement and figured it out. But it was the middle of the night and we had to turn the water off in the house, so we decide we are going to stay up all night and drive out of town cause that seemed like a better idea. We were calling hotels in the middle of the night to find one that would let us check in really early. We finally did, but that's the stupid things we do together..
I was not interested in dating during the last 4 years. You may wonder why. Well, I needed to heal. I needed to find out who Chrissy was again. And Michael helped me heal in many ways. He reminded me that men do not hit a women, no matter if they get really angry or not. When I first met Michael, if he accidentally would come to fast at me, or make a gesture in fun, I would end up in a ball.. thinking I was going to be hit. It took a while for that to go away, but now.. It never happens and I can honestly say.. Real men don't hit and I didn't deserve it. I carried around the thoughts that maybe I did. Michael reminded me an adventure was fun. He thought I was teaching him what an adventure was, but really I was re-teaching myself. He reminded me that you can laugh at the worst of it.. He made me feel like a girl again. Reminded that being a girl and girly is completely okay! Heels are fun, and wearing a skirt just for fun is okay. We would shop and like a girlfriend, he would sit with me for hours trying on clothes and helping me pick the ones that were cute. I had not had that in so long. I lived in a world with whatever was around was good enough, and that was that. I didn't care really.. no one wanted me, and I didn't deserve it. He reminded me! So many little wounds he took the time by just being my best friend he healed.
So, that sounds like love doesn't it? Knowing that someone has your back... that someone just will stand by you.. and in many ways.. it is love.. But I never was in love with him. He was always like family.. a familiar being that just belonged in my life.
My heart never welled and filled with joy for him. I never grinned ear to ear thinking of him. I never ever thought Michael was mine in that way. He wasn't. I didn't want him, and he didn't want me.... not like that. It just wasn't there.
But he was my assumed date everywhere we went and after a year and half we just stopped explaining it to the world. We showed up together, people didn't ask too many questions and life was just life. But between us, we knew. He was my best friend and family..
But he was not my love. He did not steal my breath away, He did not fill me with the security of a love, I did not give him the look of love ;)
So.... we both were unhappy wanting that love.. we talked and cried about it, thinking we would lose our friendship in the end. We had battles to keep it. At the end of the day, we looked at each other and said. Besties? Besties....
I won't let go of the fact that he are one of the most important people in each other's life; faults and all. If I ever get married again.. I think he will glow the brightest for me, cause he saw the daily struggling, the little girl who grew up and became a women again. He walked the hells of healing with me. And I never really thank him for his support, fatherly concern in many ways, silly talks, advice, worry, caring, love, and friendship.
He says things like You're the Chrissy, and I totally am! And thank you for helping me find her, heal her, and allow her to grow into a women who was ready for the love she found. Without you my dear friend,... I don't know where I would be today..
Our song is Gnarls Barkley- Crazy!!! Every single time I hear it on the radio.. I blast the song.. and call him and just let it play screaming the
words ! Here are the words:
I remember when, I rememberI remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions have an echo in so much space
And when you're out there without care
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly
And I hope that you are
Having the time of your life
But think twice
That's my only advice
Come on now,
who do you Who do you, who do you, who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha, bless your soul
You really think you're in control?
Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me
My heroes had the heart
To lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember
Is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little
Ever since I was little
It looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done
But maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably
Somehow that says everything with the laughter we share, and underneath an understanding of who we are as best friends....
Michael.. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the one who helped me heal. Thank you for being you.. faults and all ;)
And I hope each and every one of you have a Michael in your life. :D
I totally learned how to add a video!!!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Mom
I had a few different topics floating in my head tonight, and then finally the right one came..
My mom
In a few hours from now, I almost lost my mom 9 years ago. The reason why I almost lost her is not important. Those who know, know and those are the only people that really need to know.
I remember the night so clearly, as if it happened yesterday. I remember being asleep and my ex-husband waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me. I remember, making a frantic call to work explaining that I would not be coming in, and driving way to fast to her house. I remember that the ambulance was just about to pull out of the driveway as I got there. I didn't get to see her. I was in a panic.
It was just my dad, my brother and I. I only remember being with my little brother. Looking at him with sadness. He was so young. I didn't have the right words to express to him what I needed and wanted to say to him. Even though the hospital is not that far away, it seemed to take forever to get there. I just wanted to see my mom. I wanted to hold her, and love her and hug her.
I remember.. saying too many prayers, I remember begging with my father that she will be okay. I remember crying tears that came from my soul. I remember from the pit of my soul, just wanting my mom to be okay. I remember making tough calls, and feeling so very helpless.
I remember her waking up.. The sense of happiness and joy. It was celebratory. I remember sitting w/ her and watching her get better. I remember her coming home. I remember how happy I was she was still part of the family.
And 9 years later, I think of her and I love her so much. She is such a great lady. She has this laugh when that comes from her belly when she gets going that can light up a room. She loves so big. She would give the shirt of her back for her family and friends. She is really sensitive to life, and at times this can be frustrating it give you an new perspective on feelings. It allows you to stop and realize that feelings are okay and to celebrate them for all that they are. She is just an amazing person when all is said and done.
So while other think of those who lost their lives on 9/11.. I am thankful that one was saved. I am thankful every single day. She is on borrowed time... and I am thankful the Lord knew we still needed her.
My mom
In a few hours from now, I almost lost my mom 9 years ago. The reason why I almost lost her is not important. Those who know, know and those are the only people that really need to know.
I remember the night so clearly, as if it happened yesterday. I remember being asleep and my ex-husband waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me. I remember, making a frantic call to work explaining that I would not be coming in, and driving way to fast to her house. I remember that the ambulance was just about to pull out of the driveway as I got there. I didn't get to see her. I was in a panic.
It was just my dad, my brother and I. I only remember being with my little brother. Looking at him with sadness. He was so young. I didn't have the right words to express to him what I needed and wanted to say to him. Even though the hospital is not that far away, it seemed to take forever to get there. I just wanted to see my mom. I wanted to hold her, and love her and hug her.
I remember.. saying too many prayers, I remember begging with my father that she will be okay. I remember crying tears that came from my soul. I remember from the pit of my soul, just wanting my mom to be okay. I remember making tough calls, and feeling so very helpless.
I remember her waking up.. The sense of happiness and joy. It was celebratory. I remember sitting w/ her and watching her get better. I remember her coming home. I remember how happy I was she was still part of the family.
And 9 years later, I think of her and I love her so much. She is such a great lady. She has this laugh when that comes from her belly when she gets going that can light up a room. She loves so big. She would give the shirt of her back for her family and friends. She is really sensitive to life, and at times this can be frustrating it give you an new perspective on feelings. It allows you to stop and realize that feelings are okay and to celebrate them for all that they are. She is just an amazing person when all is said and done.
So while other think of those who lost their lives on 9/11.. I am thankful that one was saved. I am thankful every single day. She is on borrowed time... and I am thankful the Lord knew we still needed her.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)